Coffee Whistle

“Cooooofeee whis-tle”, Gianne sang.

“Do I do that every time I drink coffee?”

“Yeah… well sometimes you’ll do it just before you drink coffee, like the whistle reminds you that there is coffee there and you need to drink it”.

I am afflicted with coffee whistle.  It only happens when I am about to drink it though.  It isn’t like I walk past a Starbucks and automatically start whistling. There is some mechanism inside me that decided that coffee consumption (or the promise of such) = whistle.  It’s kind of like the clap that I have.

Every time I do a shot, I clap after.   I see it as a rally to push forward without puking.  It’s kind of like when a kid falls and instead of acting concerned, you clap.  Instead of tasting that warm Jager that I swallowed I am focused on my rally to continue drinking and to not vomit.  Vomit… reminds me of the crabs I had.

Around Christmas time my family had a feast of yellow rice, crab cakes, crab legs, shrimp clams and a bunch of different desserts.  I drank one beer while I munched on the seafood.  Then I had some coffee and some cherry cheesecake.  We went to the movies soon after… I am Legend.  I felt a little queasy when we pulled into the parking lot but I thought I was just tired.  I ordered popcorn, Surge and some nachos with jalepenos when I got inside and the very first action scene that Will Smith flexed his muscle, I rushed to the bathroom.  

Inside was a father with his infant child and upon seeing the look in my face he picked his son up and headed out.  I dove into the first stall but saw urine in the toilet.  The thought of someone else’s pee splashing back in my face was enough for me to decide to switch stalls… however, my stomach thought otherwise and began spewing immediately upon reaching the toilet.  Mid stream I lifted my head and turned towards the door, spewing projectile seafood cheesecake jalepeno nastiness all over the stall and floors.  I finished in the clean stall, went to the mirror and washed up.  I remember looking at myself and seeing a long stream of chewed up grossivity all over my brand new sweater.  Some water on my sweater, face and in my mouth and some soap on my hands and I was good as new.  I ate some Sour Patch Kids and drank some more Surge and continued to watch the movie.

I did make one more trip to the restroom before the movie was finished but it was not nearly as hectic as the first one.  On the way out I watched as the cleanup crew in their plastic suits complained about the rottenness that lay inside.  I whistled as we walked past.  My mom promised to make us some coffee when we got home.