I fall in love everywhere I go. I miss this feeling. I know it’s unhealthy and I know that 99% of these small crushes won’t become anything more than what they are but what is wrong with that? I think sometimes people put so much emphasis on forging a relationship that they miss the pleasure in the hunt. I mean, yeah, if I could get with every girl that I liked everywhere I went, I’d probably be pretty happy, but there is something sweet in the moments that lead up to that point. I love coquettish first glances and the unspoken affair in the habitual. I love finding or creating the right moment for an awkward conversation leading to the, also awkward asking for a phone number and eventually a first date and an untimely and aggressive kiss just before she leaves my presence or agrees to see my flat. All the stutters and the accelerated heart rate the uncertainties and the passion. There is beauty in all of it. It’s my favorite kind of
beauty.
It’s the same kind of beauty that I am finding in Kuwait. I am in such a rush to get settled when one day I know I will miss these days when everything was new and exciting for me even though most of it is pretty mundane and commonplace. There will be a day where this all feels normal to me and I will probably be happy too. That is exactly when I will start looking for other jobs. Some say “the grass is always greener” or whatever but that is not what it’s about. It’s not that it’s greener, it’s just different. Lots of times it’s worse. But I don’t likelaying in the same grass day after day, I need something new in my world, at all times.
There are other things that I can do to create newness but they are never enough. I download new music every chance I get. I try cooking new things. I go to new restaurants or bars. I try new activities, see new TV, make new friends but if my surroundings are the same, it doesn’t feel new. So I start to travel and the more I travel, the less I want to be home. When I’m on vacation, I find myself missing home, no matter how great of a time I am having. So I end up never being happy, until I move, because then my home and my travel is one and the same. If I’m not considered a gypsy by definition, I definitely have a gypsy soul.
I’m unhappy when my life isn’t gypsy-like, even if I am happy, just as I am happy if I’m living like a gypsy, even if I am unhappy; So Mad-Hatter of me. I guess it’s hard to say where I really stand on Kuwait at the moment because it will be awhile before I really settle in here. What I do know for now is that I’ve discovered that I really missed… myself. I love people. I make it a point to be as welcoming as possible and to surround myself with people at all times but somewhere in that mix I lose myself. Between that and being in a relationship for so long, I forgot what it was like to be alone. I’m realizing that like it.
I had stopped getting in touch with the inner me or whatever and filled my days with activities and people and alcohol and at the end of the day I still felt unfulfilled. My life was commonplace and mundane. Not that everyone doing this is commonplace and mundane, but for me it felt that way. I was bored with my life. I had become a number, a statistic. I guess I still am, but it’s in a much smaller pool of numbers now. I guess I’m hoping to find a happy medium here and for some reason this place feels like the right place to find it. Not being able to drink regularly helps me from numbing everything. I’m actually feeling things now. And even sober now, there is no pain.
I guess it would be nice to find a girl out here but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything more than some fun. I know that “she” has moved on. She posted a picture of the two of them together. . Has anyone else noticed that this is what modern breakups have become, though, a war waged on facebook where each party attempts to make their new life seem so much more fun and interesting than it ever was when you were together? Maybe she is super duper happy or maybe she wants me to believe that she is. I don’t know and, at this point, I don’t really care. I can honestly say that. I know that I, personally, take time to get to that point, even if she did suck.
I will admit that they do look happier together than we ever did. They look more like they belong together too. I’m not sure I can say that “I just want her to be happy” or whatever that nonsense is. Honestly, I hope she gets the same treatment from him that she subjected me to. That would be sweet justice, but I doubt that will happen. They are probably just good for each other in ways that we never were. I’m kind of like Good Luck Chuck that way. I’m the perfect guy to get with if you want to marry or have a baby with the next guy you date. It doesn’t happen all of the time but it’s a pretty high percentage, way more than half. You’d have to be fictional-character-special to keep my heart for good.
Top 5 Marriage-Worthy Fictional Characters
1. Amelie
2. Evy Carnahan (Rachel Weisz) in The Mummy Series
3. Allison (Zooey Deschanel) in Yes Man
4. April (Isla Fisher) in Definitely, Maybe
5. Selene (Kate Beckinsale) in Underworld Series
