All of these people and all of these surroundings and all of these days that are nights and nights that are days and I don't think anyone realizes that deep down I am just heartbroken. It's like I've been walking around with this secret and I will probably continue to as long as people are the way they are and I hate talking the way that I do.
I'm completely, and utterly heartbroken and believe it or not I kind of love it sometimes. I don't really know how to explain it. I kind of missed the heartache all these years. It's like now I feel like I'm a living breathing human being again and not the beast I was starting to believe that I was. It started with one heartbreak but then that led to another and to another and to another and now I am heartbroken by the little things like the fact that I have jelly and no peanut butter or cereal and no milk. The smallest things can devastate me for a moment and send me into fits of incomprehensible rage and fury which I keep inside and let ooze out slowly through the course of the day when the happiness comes through a song or through writing or through a movie or through punching the cement floor with my bare fist and screaming in agony.
It's like this whole new glorious world of hatred for everything has opened me up and let me prosper more as a human being, let me really appreciate the good moments in life which seem so few and far between lately. For instance yesterday, when I was excited about cleaning the four inches of snow on my car with no gloves. That doesn't sound all that great but before that all I had been doing was jabbing my eye with my sharp pointer finger nail. I knew that once I got out there my fingers would numb to the point of sharp, somehow hot, pain and that the snow off of my hood would drift into my nostrils and my ears would swell and become discolored to a dark shade of purple, I knew that through all of this pain that I would be able to vaguely hear some of the cds that were playing in my car. And that was enough to send an ecstatic surge of energy through my veins, once again reminding me that I can be happy through this whole heartbroken phase that has recently afflicted me.
I can't wait until that next moment of happydom arrives and lifts me to new plateaus. Until then, just ignore the torturous cries that echo in hallways. That's just me enjoying my state anguish.
I'm completely, and utterly heartbroken and believe it or not I kind of love it sometimes. I don't really know how to explain it. I kind of missed the heartache all these years. It's like now I feel like I'm a living breathing human being again and not the beast I was starting to believe that I was. It started with one heartbreak but then that led to another and to another and to another and now I am heartbroken by the little things like the fact that I have jelly and no peanut butter or cereal and no milk. The smallest things can devastate me for a moment and send me into fits of incomprehensible rage and fury which I keep inside and let ooze out slowly through the course of the day when the happiness comes through a song or through writing or through a movie or through punching the cement floor with my bare fist and screaming in agony.
It's like this whole new glorious world of hatred for everything has opened me up and let me prosper more as a human being, let me really appreciate the good moments in life which seem so few and far between lately. For instance yesterday, when I was excited about cleaning the four inches of snow on my car with no gloves. That doesn't sound all that great but before that all I had been doing was jabbing my eye with my sharp pointer finger nail. I knew that once I got out there my fingers would numb to the point of sharp, somehow hot, pain and that the snow off of my hood would drift into my nostrils and my ears would swell and become discolored to a dark shade of purple, I knew that through all of this pain that I would be able to vaguely hear some of the cds that were playing in my car. And that was enough to send an ecstatic surge of energy through my veins, once again reminding me that I can be happy through this whole heartbroken phase that has recently afflicted me.
I can't wait until that next moment of happydom arrives and lifts me to new plateaus. Until then, just ignore the torturous cries that echo in hallways. That's just me enjoying my state anguish.
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