Tell me if I'm crazy:
For the most part there is not one moment of sadness that I encounter in the summertime. I can't even think of one instance when I was not excited about every second of life this past summer or the past few summers for that matter. But once winter hits this depression sets in. But it isn't a constant depression. It's this depression that comes and goes in a matter of minutes, seconds even. And to a certain extent it can be controlled.
For the past few weeks I've been pretty much submerged in darkness because of my schedule. I haven't been seeing much of the daytime hours. My world has been a lot like Batman's. But yesterday I did not go to sleep until 2 pm and I saw a whole new world that has been denied to me nestled in those early hours which I normally spend comatose when I have them off. A hopeful and excited air replaced that cold, yucky, loneliness that I’ve been feeling in the nighttime. I was still alone but for some reason it was a good loneliness. I felt like a crusader at the beginning of
a long voyage. The world seemed small and I felt like I was in control of it all and big things lay ahead. I don't know what big things but they were BIG, humongous even, Gigantic! Trust me on this one.
I opened my curtains and my blinds and played happy music all morning as I studied and read. Eventually I got tired and decided to take a 15-minute nap. The 15-minute nap turned into a six-hour dead sleep. The phone rang a bunch of times. Sometimes I heard it and did not answer and other times I was oblivious. I woke up and it was dark outside and the depression started to set in again.
I closed my blinds and decided to take a walk; the loneliness was sticking me in my ribs. Once outside I decided to come back in because it was cold and nothing seemed as it did in the daytime. All the goodness that was floating around was now under the rocks and grass and in the cracks in the concrete. The rabbits were hiding and the coyotes were hunting. The main lobby of the dorm was empty and suddenly I felt like the lead character in the first scene of 28 days later. I felt like I was the only one in the building. I went back to my room and nothing felt comfortable. I turned on all of my lights put on the TV and for a moment. My TV keeps me company sometimes on these cold winter nights. But this was just a temporary fix. I knew I would have to come up with something else soon.
When I became bored with the movie I scoured the room in search of my inhaler. My depression inhaler. I needed something to do. I put some Sublime on. "Life is too short so love the one you've got..." And there it was. I felt my spirits rise up and begin to float on towards the ceiling. One song made everything better. I was happy again. But the song ended and I became sad once again. So I played it again. And then I played it again, and I played it again, and then again and again and again and then I... well I played it a bunch more times. I must have played the song 57 times before switching to "Island in the Sun" which I played for a total of 63 times straight. I was happy pretty much the rest of night. When morning hit I was home free.
I feel like a werewolf trying to survive the night without killing something. Just trying to hold on until daytime comes and makes everything better again. I've become a real creature of the night. I've always considered myself a night owl but this is ridiculous. When there is nothing to do and it is dark I should be sleeping, not fighting off depression. Where did this depression come from anyway? Tell whoever sent it I don't want it anymore. Tell them to take it back; It's ugly, and I have no use for it.
For the most part there is not one moment of sadness that I encounter in the summertime. I can't even think of one instance when I was not excited about every second of life this past summer or the past few summers for that matter. But once winter hits this depression sets in. But it isn't a constant depression. It's this depression that comes and goes in a matter of minutes, seconds even. And to a certain extent it can be controlled.
For the past few weeks I've been pretty much submerged in darkness because of my schedule. I haven't been seeing much of the daytime hours. My world has been a lot like Batman's. But yesterday I did not go to sleep until 2 pm and I saw a whole new world that has been denied to me nestled in those early hours which I normally spend comatose when I have them off. A hopeful and excited air replaced that cold, yucky, loneliness that I’ve been feeling in the nighttime. I was still alone but for some reason it was a good loneliness. I felt like a crusader at the beginning of
a long voyage. The world seemed small and I felt like I was in control of it all and big things lay ahead. I don't know what big things but they were BIG, humongous even, Gigantic! Trust me on this one.
I opened my curtains and my blinds and played happy music all morning as I studied and read. Eventually I got tired and decided to take a 15-minute nap. The 15-minute nap turned into a six-hour dead sleep. The phone rang a bunch of times. Sometimes I heard it and did not answer and other times I was oblivious. I woke up and it was dark outside and the depression started to set in again.
I closed my blinds and decided to take a walk; the loneliness was sticking me in my ribs. Once outside I decided to come back in because it was cold and nothing seemed as it did in the daytime. All the goodness that was floating around was now under the rocks and grass and in the cracks in the concrete. The rabbits were hiding and the coyotes were hunting. The main lobby of the dorm was empty and suddenly I felt like the lead character in the first scene of 28 days later. I felt like I was the only one in the building. I went back to my room and nothing felt comfortable. I turned on all of my lights put on the TV and for a moment. My TV keeps me company sometimes on these cold winter nights. But this was just a temporary fix. I knew I would have to come up with something else soon.
When I became bored with the movie I scoured the room in search of my inhaler. My depression inhaler. I needed something to do. I put some Sublime on. "Life is too short so love the one you've got..." And there it was. I felt my spirits rise up and begin to float on towards the ceiling. One song made everything better. I was happy again. But the song ended and I became sad once again. So I played it again. And then I played it again, and I played it again, and then again and again and again and then I... well I played it a bunch more times. I must have played the song 57 times before switching to "Island in the Sun" which I played for a total of 63 times straight. I was happy pretty much the rest of night. When morning hit I was home free.
I feel like a werewolf trying to survive the night without killing something. Just trying to hold on until daytime comes and makes everything better again. I've become a real creature of the night. I've always considered myself a night owl but this is ridiculous. When there is nothing to do and it is dark I should be sleeping, not fighting off depression. Where did this depression come from anyway? Tell whoever sent it I don't want it anymore. Tell them to take it back; It's ugly, and I have no use for it.
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