Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Mashed Potatoes


The woman serving me steak and onions with the golden four front teeth says I have beautiful eyes.  I know I know, I don't understand it either.  They're plain poop brown eyes and one of the is bigger than the other.  My cousin noticed it one day and made sure to tell me about my retarded eye one afternoon while I was getting ready to go rollerskating with my friends (yes I used to roller skate, go ahead and laugh). 

I looked at myself in the mirror for an hour that afternoon and then for the next... well I still do now.  Every time I look all I see is that retarded half folded over eye.  It's defective and I can't return the product.  But this woman, of all the traits she could have picked out decided to compliment me on decided on my eyes.  I just couldn't understand it.  Was she being sarcastic? 

After saying thank you and walking away I pictured them laughing at me.  "Did you see that kid's retarded eye?"  "Ah Ha Ha  Ha Ha ... Ha  Ha Ha... Ha Ha."  Yeah real freakin’ funny.  That's just great of you to make fun of someone's shortcomings.  Want to make fun of my dandruff too?

Actually I think I've finally found a shampoo to cure that.  I used to use some dandruff shampoo that I can't remember the name of then I switched to some expensive shampoo that they don't sell here in Uzbekistan but since I've been on the road I've had to settle for the hotel shampoos because I was scared to pack mine and have it explode.  Last week I stuck with dove because it smells good and that was what was there, but this hasn't worked out all that well for me.  So yesterday, I decided to switch to Pert Plus and it has worked wonders.  And then, I swear to God this is true,  I used it again today and I decided to look a little closer at the label and low and behold "For colored women" was printed boldly just below the logo.

For colored women?  It works just fine on me.  Does that mean my hair is like a colored woman's?  Just
what does that mean?  How is a woman's hair different from a men's?  I don't know.  i don't have these
answers.  But I'm trying to find them.  Through Greek Mythology, which technically isn't mythology because mythology is not supposed to have anything to do with religion and the Greek mythology definitely has something to do with religion.

In fact.  I'm converting to Greek Mythology.  From now on I'm going to say "Oh my Zeus!" and "Thank Zeus" and "Zeus bless you".  Except when I am forced to wear this army garb, I will no longer dress of the current fashions.  I will adorn myself in sheets and wear wooden sandals with the toe thing, thong, or whatever on my feet.  And from now on I'd like to be addressed as Egotistus.  That is my most current name and I will not respond to anything but.

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