"You're a walking contradiction", she said, and peered at me over the neck roll she rested her head on in front of me.
What did that mean? Did she think that I was a lunatic and that I was going to blow people away with an enormous revolver and stab someone in the neck just like the walking contradiction of a character that Robert DeNiro played in the movie we were watching? Was she saying that I don't ever back up what I say, like that all I spit out of my mouth were contradictory of my actions? What did she mean?
"No, no, no,", she giggled back, "I just meant that you're complex."
Complex! I think this is a good thing but I can't be sure. There are so many different versions and levels of complexity I could not be certain what she meant.
"I just mean that you're deep. There's a lot going on up there. And sometimes it's like you're two completely different people."
This wasn't the first time that I heard this. In fact I've heard it three times this week. The first person was a roommate of my friend who called me down one day to tell me that he can't talk to me when I'm drunk. I'll attest to this I do get rather stubborn when I drink and I hate when people stand in the way of any of my goals when I'm drinking and he happened to stand in my way so he said:
"You get very, very aggressive when you drink and I can't talk to you. I swear to God it's like Jeckyl and Hyde."
Jeckyl and Hyde. I think this was a little bit of an exaggeration but I liked the thought of it. I've always had the suspicion that Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde was really about a drug addict or an alcoholic so it would make sense that I could be a version of the monster that he was. I don't really see any problem with being a madman. I mean as long as it's not all of the time. So I like to drink and cause trouble and scream at the top of my lungs and get naked in his front yard. What's wrong with that? You want to know what's wrong with that? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with that. In fact I think this is positive behavior that should be encouraged and nurtured. So I'm a different person when I drink. Is that it?
Not according to my coworkers. They see two completely different versions of me as well. My boss told me today that he never knows which John is going to come in, the one who loves working and learning and running errands or the lazy John who watches TV all day and sleeps on the toilet for an hour. And he's right. I do have days when I don't feel like doing anything and don't and then there are days when I feel like doing a lot and I do. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a walking contradiction.
I was watching "Reality Bites" for the second time today and I still can't figure out which of the two
boyfriends I relate to more. They're polar opposites and I relate to both of them. Now I know the world isn't split up into black and white but I should at least feel a lean in one direction or another, but I didn't. I felt like I was exactly like one of them for a while then I felt exactly like the other than like the other than like the other.
I don't make any sense. I'm the most liberal republican you'll ever meet. I'm the best actor/tech controller in the Army. You should see how lazily athletic I am. Everything in my room is organized and alphabetized except for my mind, which seems at times to just be a pile in the corner. I'm not just two different people. I'm like 33. And they all run around up there like a herd of orangatangs, yes herd,
because that's the way they travel in my mind, except they swing on vines and go in all different directions. And none of them knows where they are going.
What did that mean? Did she think that I was a lunatic and that I was going to blow people away with an enormous revolver and stab someone in the neck just like the walking contradiction of a character that Robert DeNiro played in the movie we were watching? Was she saying that I don't ever back up what I say, like that all I spit out of my mouth were contradictory of my actions? What did she mean?
"No, no, no,", she giggled back, "I just meant that you're complex."
Complex! I think this is a good thing but I can't be sure. There are so many different versions and levels of complexity I could not be certain what she meant.
"I just mean that you're deep. There's a lot going on up there. And sometimes it's like you're two completely different people."
This wasn't the first time that I heard this. In fact I've heard it three times this week. The first person was a roommate of my friend who called me down one day to tell me that he can't talk to me when I'm drunk. I'll attest to this I do get rather stubborn when I drink and I hate when people stand in the way of any of my goals when I'm drinking and he happened to stand in my way so he said:
"You get very, very aggressive when you drink and I can't talk to you. I swear to God it's like Jeckyl and Hyde."
Jeckyl and Hyde. I think this was a little bit of an exaggeration but I liked the thought of it. I've always had the suspicion that Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde was really about a drug addict or an alcoholic so it would make sense that I could be a version of the monster that he was. I don't really see any problem with being a madman. I mean as long as it's not all of the time. So I like to drink and cause trouble and scream at the top of my lungs and get naked in his front yard. What's wrong with that? You want to know what's wrong with that? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with that. In fact I think this is positive behavior that should be encouraged and nurtured. So I'm a different person when I drink. Is that it?
Not according to my coworkers. They see two completely different versions of me as well. My boss told me today that he never knows which John is going to come in, the one who loves working and learning and running errands or the lazy John who watches TV all day and sleeps on the toilet for an hour. And he's right. I do have days when I don't feel like doing anything and don't and then there are days when I feel like doing a lot and I do. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a walking contradiction.
I was watching "Reality Bites" for the second time today and I still can't figure out which of the two
boyfriends I relate to more. They're polar opposites and I relate to both of them. Now I know the world isn't split up into black and white but I should at least feel a lean in one direction or another, but I didn't. I felt like I was exactly like one of them for a while then I felt exactly like the other than like the other than like the other.
I don't make any sense. I'm the most liberal republican you'll ever meet. I'm the best actor/tech controller in the Army. You should see how lazily athletic I am. Everything in my room is organized and alphabetized except for my mind, which seems at times to just be a pile in the corner. I'm not just two different people. I'm like 33. And they all run around up there like a herd of orangatangs, yes herd,
because that's the way they travel in my mind, except they swing on vines and go in all different directions. And none of them knows where they are going.
No comments:
Post a Comment