Self Doubt

With a slight positioning of her body in my general direction on a couch, she won my heart. But what the hell does that mean these days? Any cute girl that shows me any glimpse of attention my way can win my heart these days. Well, any blonde girl. The others have to try harder.

I guess I've always had a thing for blondes. As much I try to deny it, my preference is and always has been for blondes. Yeah I give the others a shot, but that..s like saying that Texas had a shot against USC last year. Texas won, but who would have thought? I mean, USC had all the cards stacked on their side. So saying another blonde has snatched my heart is like saying, hey USC won another national championship...Wow, really? That's surprising...

But she did. She has. And I don..t even know why. There are three other blondes in my life. Two of which, I've fallen into the just friends category, and the other, well the other is why I'm writing this. Yeah it..s narcissistic. And most of you probably don..t care about any of this. But the other is why I'm writing this.. I think.

With my current situation with said girl one would think I would be content. She seems to be the picture I've had in my mind of everything that I've wanted in a girl (which I refuse to go into detail about at this moment). But I'm not. Instead I have never been more interested in every other girl around me than now. It's like this girl has set lose this animal that has been hibernating. From what I can tell, she..s really is pretty much everything I've been looking for all of these years., but instead of running towards her, I'm looking for any reason to hop on a homemade boat and paddle to Russia.

Maybe I..m too young. Maybe the timing is off, the way it was years ago when I first realized what I was looking for in a child-at-heart, artist/ advertising mogul who has since disappeared. Distance and in independent goals ripped that one apart. But these aren't the problems that face us. She plans to eliminate the distance by moving here and she supports my desire for freedom and independence. Why does this scare the shit out of me? Am I really that scared of commitment? Am I scared that maybe she could be ..the.. freaking ..one..? Am I ready for that? Will I ever be ready for that?

Maybe I've been single for so long that I don..t really know what to do with someone as a boyfriend. It..s like I've lost my boyfriend instincts. The closer we get, and believe me it..s been a short, fast paced relationship thus far, the more I feel uneasy and a little, I dunno, frightened? The more that she seems to be right for me, the more I want to crawl under another girl and sabotage it all. Is that wrong? Why do I want to ruin any good thing that comes my way?

I remember when I did love last, at least loved in the sense that it was reciprocated, I did the same thing. My logic was that if I cheated on her, she would never want me back, and I could end it all and move on because I felt too young to be... settling... Thing is, a couple of years later when I thought I was ready, I tried to go back. And it was too late. She didn't feel the same. I can..t help but wonder if my infidelity played a factor. It worked, just as I had hoped. Who would have thought, years later, it would bite me in the arse?

And now, with an entirely new and quite different situation, I feel myself reaching for the same, misled solution. I..m poison. I hate to hear this talk about me being such a great guy from the girl friends of mine who would never want to be with me. They say that because they know me as a friend but that..s the only reason why. They say this because they aren't interested in me. They aren't interested in me because they know that I..m poison (I refuse to accept that they aren't attracted to me. I've brought sexy back.. along with Andy- Had to give him his props on that one. What the hell does ..props.. mean anyway? Proper respect?) They know how lost I am despite my persona of a man that has it all together. They know my indecision is a virus that infects all aspects of my life. They know I..m destined to be that old guy in the nursing home grabbing the nurses asses while drinking rum and playing cards. They know, despite all of their claims of seeing a guy that will settle down one day and having kids and doing that normal ..American Dream.. thing, that I..m A Restless Reptile Repeating Regurgitated Rhymes Randomly. ARRRRRR! That..s right! Grab your jolly roger and sail the seas with me, but I..m destined to be hung in the end.

F. Scott Fitzgerald once said that he was of a ..restless generation... I don..t remember the exact context but I've always remembered that phrase. I think it..s a term that could define our generation as well. We..re a youth hell-bent on revolution. We..re a youth that is aging. I..m not even one of the youth anymore by baby-boomer standards. But the fact that I just classified myself as one and the fact that there are some out there reading this that are my age and would agree with me proves that we..re an aging youth. A youth that is aiming for Peter Pan status but ending up old Hooks. We hear the clock in the alligator..s mouth but we refuse to leave Never-Never Land. Will I ever grow up? Will I ever give up the cities and seas and land somewhere in a suburban, white-picket-fence, family-oriented community?