The air was chilly when I walked towards my car with the smell rotting grass permeating the falling autumn sky. Though the walk to my car was not alone, I could feel the solitude of the night that lay ahead sticking me in my side. It..s the first time I've had this feeling in a while. Not that I haven..t been home alone in awhile. Most nights are spent alone. I usually like being alone. But I felt different this night. I felt as though this loneliness was of another variety, like it was the end of the world and I would spend it looking at my wall just waiting for it be over with..
Sounds morbid huh? I don..t know why I get these phases. Maybe it..s that weather disorder. That seems to be what everyone else thinks it is. But this is fucking extreme. I was happy.. yesterday. I was so happy yesterday that my jaw hurt, badly and I wanted to just bang my head in the table in front of me to knock some of it out. In fact I think I could say that I..ve been extremely happy just about every day since, I dunno, April or May sometime. And I was even happy most of the day today but for some reason, that night sky and the realization of the end of a season, my season, made everything around me sour.
My apartment seemed to echo with silence and I sat in the dark on my couch for nearly twenty minutes before taking off my uniform and putting my jammy jams on. ..What the fuck is my problem?.. I thought. I mean things are going pretty well. There isn't really much to be sad about. In fact, my move downtown is downright exciting. So what..s with all these glum feelings? ..I don..t know what is.., I thought, ..but the only possible cure for it is Scrubs... The only possible thing that could lift my spirits from this awful depth of unfounded depression is some nice thoughtless fun in small doses. And maybe some old Ravioli with rotten Parmesan cheese.
I really have to stop eating anything that I find in my house. It..s just not good. Not in the sense that it doesn't taste good. Sometimes it does. The problem is that it..s just usually rotten in one way or another. But, I somehow talk myself into believing that the rotten cheese will somehow taste fresh when mixed with the ravioli from the cupboard. Maybe the ravioli will hide the rotten flavor and what will come out will be the tasty mixture of a genius. Sometimes I can be pretty crafty in the rotted food department of fine apartment dining. This is not one of those occasions. All this does is make me feel even more sick and before I..m even a quarter of the way through the meal I decide to chop it all into small pieces with the two blades that need a light switch and running water to run correctly.
..I..m gonna scrub my hands, and do my scrub my hands dance.. Scrub my hands, and do my scrub my hands dance...
..Oh that Turk is too much.. I giggle.
Ring ring. That..s my ring.
Actually, it sounded more like this: ....I've waited hours for this. I've made myself so sick, I wish I stayyyyyyyyed asleep today ayyyyyyyyyy... That..s her ringer. She calls and assaults and I feel even sicker than when I first arrived home. All of that work to make my night better begins to crumble and pretty soon I..m feeling worse than before. I..m done talking. I want to be depressed by myself. But then it happens, a voicemail.
Her voice is raspy, from smoking probably, and she slurs her words a bit, from drinking definitely and for some reason her whole tone has changed. She seems to genuinely care. I know she does, but she doesn't always seem that way. She seems to genuinely care this night during this message and for some reason, that..s all I really need. I guess I just need to be reassured sometimes that there are people out there that really care. And even though she may have dissed my school, which is a huge part of who I am today and she may feel that it..s necessary to point out that she always knew that I was attracted to her, but she never felt the same about me. And who cares if she took offense to everything I said to her on the phone and retorted with some kind of remark that left me wanting to not say anything. Fact of the matter is, she called back and she apologized and she meant it. And for some reason, this makes my night.
No comments:
Post a Comment