I'm domesticated. That's how she described it. I cook, I clean, I work, I go to school... it's almost like I'm grown up. My God, when did this happen? Was it the trip abroad? Was it that road trip to Amsterdam, the schnitzel in Germany or that night after my traveling companion left to Uzbekiastan
early, and I stood alone in the children's theater with 300 elementary aged kids trying to get Dallas Cowboys cheerleader's autographs? Who knows? But I'm definitely not the same person that I was before deploying and the people around me have been changing at the same rate.
My sisters are growing up too fast. I can remember the days when i used to change my sister's diapers. Okay I don't remember actually changing their diapers but I do remember jumping over their heads while I was babysitting them, and locking them up in the basement because they wouldn't be quiet. I remember playing hide and seek with them while my girlfriend came over so that i could sneak kisses in without them being grossed out. They never thought I was a bad brother though. They always showed unconditional love and even looked up to me at times. They gave me a huge hug and kiss when I came home and looked forward to the movies that our parents wouldn't let them see, but I took them to anyway. They didn't mind having pajama days with me and the twelve free movies that we rented from the library. When i wanted to go and play out in the snow, they'd both come out, just because I asked, and when Jessica just stood around and didn't do the flips into the snow like me and Alyssa, I would ask why she didn't and she'd say " I didn't even really want to come out here, but I wanted to spend time with you" because that's what it was about, spending time with each other.
But now everything's changed. I still get the loving hugs and kisses and they'll still hang out with me but the excitement of my being there doesn't last long. Within the hour, they are already on the phone with their friends and making plans to go out or have their boyfriend over. We don't play in the snow like we used to. We don't have pajama days without a boyfriend or just friend of theirs being over and even when they do spend that time with me, it feels like they aren't completely there, like their minds are still preoccupied with their friends and I get jealous. Yup, I get jealous. I feel like I'm losing them. And there's nothing that I can do about it.
And yet, I'm doing the same thing to my parents. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my mother about my apartment. I've just recently started living on my own in a place that is not a dorm or furnished apartment. I bought a new bed and couches and all of the little necessary things that one does not think of until actually moving out. My mother was surprised about my purchases and said "But what are you going to do with the all of the stuff when you come back? There won't be any room for it all." And that's when it hit me. She thinks I'm coming back home. she's spent all this time trying to hold on to me, keeping me at a semi local school, getting me to quit all those jobs I've had and even spend most summers home. She's the one that's always told me that I'm getting to serious with women or that she is "trying to trap me". But now I'm growing up and moving on with my life and she's trying to grab a hold and not let me out of her sight before it's too late.
I almost didn't want to tell her, I knew that it would break her heart. It would be the same heartache that I was feeling with my sisters. It would be that same heartbreak that I'm sure my sister Alyssa felt when I came home one Christmas and instead of me waking them up at four in the morning to open presents, she came into my room at seven to get things started. I guess the inevitable is beginning to catch up with me. I've put up a fight at least. And even though I might appear grown up, and I might be moving away and spreading wings, the child in me is still strong. I'm sure it's the same with my sisters. I guess it's just time to let go.
early, and I stood alone in the children's theater with 300 elementary aged kids trying to get Dallas Cowboys cheerleader's autographs? Who knows? But I'm definitely not the same person that I was before deploying and the people around me have been changing at the same rate.
My sisters are growing up too fast. I can remember the days when i used to change my sister's diapers. Okay I don't remember actually changing their diapers but I do remember jumping over their heads while I was babysitting them, and locking them up in the basement because they wouldn't be quiet. I remember playing hide and seek with them while my girlfriend came over so that i could sneak kisses in without them being grossed out. They never thought I was a bad brother though. They always showed unconditional love and even looked up to me at times. They gave me a huge hug and kiss when I came home and looked forward to the movies that our parents wouldn't let them see, but I took them to anyway. They didn't mind having pajama days with me and the twelve free movies that we rented from the library. When i wanted to go and play out in the snow, they'd both come out, just because I asked, and when Jessica just stood around and didn't do the flips into the snow like me and Alyssa, I would ask why she didn't and she'd say " I didn't even really want to come out here, but I wanted to spend time with you" because that's what it was about, spending time with each other.
But now everything's changed. I still get the loving hugs and kisses and they'll still hang out with me but the excitement of my being there doesn't last long. Within the hour, they are already on the phone with their friends and making plans to go out or have their boyfriend over. We don't play in the snow like we used to. We don't have pajama days without a boyfriend or just friend of theirs being over and even when they do spend that time with me, it feels like they aren't completely there, like their minds are still preoccupied with their friends and I get jealous. Yup, I get jealous. I feel like I'm losing them. And there's nothing that I can do about it.
And yet, I'm doing the same thing to my parents. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my mother about my apartment. I've just recently started living on my own in a place that is not a dorm or furnished apartment. I bought a new bed and couches and all of the little necessary things that one does not think of until actually moving out. My mother was surprised about my purchases and said "But what are you going to do with the all of the stuff when you come back? There won't be any room for it all." And that's when it hit me. She thinks I'm coming back home. she's spent all this time trying to hold on to me, keeping me at a semi local school, getting me to quit all those jobs I've had and even spend most summers home. She's the one that's always told me that I'm getting to serious with women or that she is "trying to trap me". But now I'm growing up and moving on with my life and she's trying to grab a hold and not let me out of her sight before it's too late.
I almost didn't want to tell her, I knew that it would break her heart. It would be the same heartache that I was feeling with my sisters. It would be that same heartbreak that I'm sure my sister Alyssa felt when I came home one Christmas and instead of me waking them up at four in the morning to open presents, she came into my room at seven to get things started. I guess the inevitable is beginning to catch up with me. I've put up a fight at least. And even though I might appear grown up, and I might be moving away and spreading wings, the child in me is still strong. I'm sure it's the same with my sisters. I guess it's just time to let go.
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